An evil darkness who managed to deceive himself - Part 2

Behind my boyfriend’s narcissistic behaviour was an evil darkness who managed to deceive even himself. 

Part 2

Greetings, and welcome to my Blog

It was many sick and sad answers of why I was not automatically being able to identify the sinister nature that makes someone like him as a Narcissist. 

In my opinion you’ve to have tried the extreme misfortune of dealing with such a person, before you can understand what you’ve put yourself through. The narcissist I lived with made me look and feel like the crazy one. In the end I began to believe in everything he said was wrong with me, my family, my friends and others.

When I spoke out, no one seriously believed that he was capable of his irrational and evil behaviour. And I mean it! No non-survivor believed me and were able to fathom it could be one-sided- that he was clearly the perpetrator.

He had created his own world of delusional of Grandeur. And yes, he wanted me to believe in everything he said and did. 

During my childhood I was taught to reason with others––to compromise, and to do what was told. Also to trust others, as the other part was always right, even that I didn’t always shared the same viewpoint with them––nor did I with him.

In his opinion everyone was stupid and terrible for not staking a tent in his reality. If I had not been in such a devastated world with such a crackbrain, I would never believe anyone could be so conniving, devious, self-righteous, and just down-right mean as he was to me.

He never cared when I told him to stop swindling and lying to others or to me. 

He could never see it was harmful what he did, as he had no remorse and no conscience. Often he displayed this amazing ‘amnesia’ saying: “What did I do since you ‘turn’ on me?” He didn’t even recall the whole thing: out of sight out of mind. 

Suddenly, he was being nice again and the sky was blue again, therefore, in his mind the slate was clean. There was nothing left to discuss. To him it was all in the past. I was his toy again as he gave me the affection I needed and life was good again, and full of possibilities. He was a killjoy, and I never knew who he was.

 

Turning everyone against you.

I didn't see it, but he turned my family, friends, and others against me, then portraying me as being the ‘big bad wolf’. This just chalked it all up to me being a woman scorned, hating him, ruin his fraudulent business while he told his new supply I was not the person he thought I were. OMG, he told her I broke his heart and crushed him. Also, that I had changed to the worse and lied to him, so how could I treat him that way. On top of that he told her I was crazy and lower than dirt. A cold and frigid old woman. I bet he also told him I was unfaithful, and that's why he didn't want to be with me. Something is not adding up with all his lying sh*t!

To His family he told he did everything to make it work. I was his love of his life. He had begged me to become the woman he met back then. However, then he told them, I was the unstable one, not him. I was never there for him and was cold and distant and believed I had met someone else.

To those friends I had, he told them I was crazy, insanely jealous, manipulative and suffocating him while I was mentally abusing him. He had only horror stories about me and that no-one could ever believe a word of what I said because in his opinion I was such a liar. 

To his many new followers that believed in all his lying stories, he mockingly laughed about me, making me into a joke and told them: I had never meant anything to him and I was just another piece of shit. I was only interested in extreme sex with him and then he told them about crude descriptions about my sex life with my ex-husband. 

However, he continued to hurt me, made up more twisted stories about me, smeared and distorted my character until he thought he had won. That made me angrier than anything else.

The only way I could possibly prove his lies and scams, was with evidence, to show concrete proof. So, before my ‘no contact’ I played the game I was all in for him. Told him I still loved him. I still wanted to support him financial, and that I still wanted to be together with him. 

Gathering evidence requires patience, so I stayed with him longer as I should and under his terms, without him knowing I spend my time in gathering evidence about him. It was a self-harming and destructive time for me, yet it also made me stronger in the end. However, the flying monkey was so slick at hovering under the radar. I knew he wouldn’t just hand things over to what he perceived as his ‘greatest enemy’, pretending he still loved me, because I had something, he wanted from me.

Nevertheless, such venomous people as he is, they always screw up. Eventually he plaid the victim projecting his sick lies on to me. Then he got sloppy, because he thought it was not possible for him to be found guilty in anything. 

I wish I had educated myself on how to spot such demons. 

But how is it possible to educate yourself in protecting yourself from a narcissist, when you never have found yourself in such a horrifying snare?

This was my first time trapped in such a damaging trap. I found out the hard way. He could not change, and even he said he could change, that was a lie too. For that little pleasure I had with him only lead me to a life of hell with the wrong person who never couldn’t tell the truth.

When I finally understood about Narcissistic behaviour, I passed my knowledge on to everyone I knew. To everyone who wanted to listen. And to everyone I became aware of whom were in the same situation where I’ve been.

My mission was to make people alert of these toxic individuals, so that they could run like hell. Honestly, no matter how much compassion you have to the narc, stay away, and let life take care of such mean people. They will only break you mentally. It’s exhausting. And a lot of wasted time living with a selfish manipulating person that turns around and treats you like yesterday’s trash. The mental effort it took to fool myself in to believing this one toxic persons fake love and lies was draining.

 

If someone abuses you, leave and give no more chances. 

It’s not worth the EFFORT!

Copyright © 2021 ^. All Rights Reserved ^. M. L. Stark

An evil darkness who deceived even himself. Part 1

Behind my boyfriend’s narcissistic behavior

was an evil darkness

who deceived even himself.

Greetings, and welcome to my Blog.

What I expected a psychopath would look like! 

I expected I could see the evil darkness that lurked behind a pair of piercing eyes that would dissolve me into nothing but a target. However, there was literally no difference between his eyes and mine. 

No piercing! Nor any special movements. Without doubt, no psychopathic stare, that deceived even himself. Surely no special body language. In conclusion, my boyfriend's eyes were mostly loving. Last, they also had a normal brightness when he glanced at me. Mostly when he was pretending, I was fascinating and sexy. 

In other words, he appeared just as an ordinary person while his narcissistic behavior was manipulating me. Primarily, when he was pretending, he truly loved me.

A person living in grace of God. 

Often, I was told I was an empathic person living in grace of God. I don’t know if this is correct. 

I knew I was a too trusting person believing in all good in everyone. Any barrier I may have built up he would tear down. Not realizing that I truly was a fragile sheep. 

Defenseless against the strong clench and the sharp teeth of the wolf. 

I trusted unconditionally in him 

I was not able in seeing that my narcissistic boyfriend did everything only to please the Devil in him. By that I mean, if I said or did something that he didn’t like, as he perceived any innocent comment I’d made as a full-blown attack to him. 

Next, he would give me the silent treatment.

The devious eyes when I confronted him with his lies or deception I’d uncover. He would, off course and flatly deny everything. Then walk out the door and leave in anger like a little man-child scorned. 

Total lack of respect for personal boundaries and inability to deal with potential confrontation. Yet he loved picking a fight. Especially when he needed money.

When I went into this relationship it was magical.

He totally love-bombed me––I was his soul mate! The fella said he had waited for me his entire life. 

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me," he proudly said... at least until he got me. Next, we moved in together. 

I was so hooked! I had a massive BURNING DESIRE for him. Being blindfolded while I was  floating on a pink cloud of happiness on cloud nine. Therefore, I didn’t see the many red flags, because I was wearing rose-colored glasses. Thus, nothing did look red to me, as he was the man of my dream. 

So, loving! 
So, flattering! 

And so, charming! 

God, I was so much in love that I could fall in love with a goat.

His only goal was to pierce my only layer of defense effortlessly. Then divulge my darkest secrets before I realized what was happening. 

He just wanted to keep me as a 'dirty little secret' behind closed doors. Keeping me away from anyone. All my friends and family. 

Behind his loving façade, I also felt the wrath of the wolf. Mostly when he drained my blood. Then he tore up my flesh. 

I believe he really had a hard time sticking to a plan. And not following through with a plan. So, was he bored? Might be that's the he needed to go from place to place. From plot to plot. Nothing was ever good enough for him. And he never intended to stay with me to begin with. He only needed the resources I could provide for him. Therefore, he was constantly seeking a new thrill.

After our Honeymoon phase had passed, the abuse started slowly. 

It was so subtle that before I realized anything about being abused, my life was thoroughly entangled with his. 

I was cruelly trapped in his mesh, and he brutally began to belittle me, trying to pick any money related fight with me, while making a drama out of thin air. He talked only about himself and his interest, bragging shamelessly about something he did to harm others or how he could harm them if they didn’t do as he wanted.

"I know how to break a persons neck! No one will find  out how they died" he enjoyed to tell me. 

Oh, my goodness, the dude was actually treating my neck! In between the lines; would he harm me?

He came with snide remarks below the belt, when he gaslighted me. The blame shifting, the manipulation and the projection where I often no longer could find within myself the strong, independent woman who fell in love with this guy. 

WAS THIS WARNINGS?

 

RED FLAGS? 

In between his warm and loving behavior, he was cold and non-responsive

He could send agonizing cryptic messages only for me to attempt to decipher the meaning of them. 

I began to dream about leaving him, but I could not even fathom how I would go about doing so. 

Where would I live? 

I was 10.000 kilometers away from home as I had left everything behind only to be with my lover. Leaving isn’t always as easy as people assume and leaving him was my worst struggle. 

He made me feel like the worst human in the world. But in the end, I guess an empath always beats the evil darkness of the Devil’s apathy.

When I finally went ‘no contact’ 

Oh, my goodness, I found it so constructive for myself. My self-esteem returned, and I could see things more clearly for what kind of a person he really had been towards me. 

There were no longer any BURNING DESIRE for him.
Even it took years for The Girl in Black Prada Shoes to get free from the Psychopath. I felt that with my freedom I could live in heaven again. I could see what the universe could offer me again after living through so much ‘hell’. 

I realized how he used to Gaslighting me and had kept me off balance for years by doing and saying things which would induce me to question not only my judgement, but also my perception of reality. 

The BURNING DESIRE FADES

As my ‘no contact’ for certain stood place I could finally get every piece of the puzzle put together, then get it all on a piece of paper. Having it all written down I realized why I at that time couldn’t identify him as the devious narcissist he was. Why had I had not gotten the hell out of that unhealthy relationship much sooner!

It was so many sick and sad answers...  

To be continued...

If someone abuses you, leave and give no more chances. It’s not worth the EFFORT!

Copyright © 2021 ^. All Rights Reserved ^. M. L. Stark

LIVING IN A WORLD FULL OF TWO-FACED PEOPLE!

It’s funny how people try to be sneaky in a world full of two-faced people. But the only ones they are fooling are themselves. 

 

I try to behave, not letting it affect me living in a world full of two-faced people. Occasionally you must play the clown when dealing with a fool.

Where did my OLD ugly cousin ‘CAMILLE’ get such a crazy idea from? Curiously, the two-faced monkey fires a ton of questions eagerly while speaking on the phone. Maybe her IQ is not so high. However, the TROLL gives the impression of being intelligent. Next, she claims to be my very close cousin. It becomes clear to me, ‘CAMILLE’ doesn’t know a fiddly squat about me. However, the two-faced monkey is excused. 

 

After all, how can she know when she in fact knows nothing? To put it in another way, and strangely, I don't understand it; why hasn’t the fool not asked me before? Especially since she claims she is such a ‘CLOSE’ cousin to me? Nevertheless, I must play the clown when dealing with a fool.

The sneaky snake keeps claiming we're very best and lifelong buddy's and very close to each other. Well, well mate, your imagination and creativity aren't that high and clever after all. A sudden silence comes over the phone as the TROLL was pondering over the next lie she could tell the person she was talking to. 

The miserable TROLL makes him wonder.

What I thereafter realise while talking to my publisher; The phoney TROLL was telling him all these above mentioned lies on the day she called him.

Shockingly, the miserable TROLL only wanted to pump him for information.

"What information?" I asked.

"Yeah, you know? About your private life."

Sneaky 'CAMILLE' also wanted to know if the books were a true-life story or not.

My publisher confronts CAMILLE. Immidiately the troll hangs up!

Furthermore, if ‘CAMILLE’ was my real close cousin, why then question closely my publisher about my books and my private life?

Moreover, I actually got amused from hearing how 'CAMILLE' acted like a 3-year-old little scorned child.

 

Lastly, and at the end of the day, I must say; 

I DON’T HAVE A COUSIN NAMED ‘CAMILLE’.  

Therefore, I'm totally ignoring 'CAMILLE's' stupid comments.

To put it in another way: The earth is full of mad two-faced people in a terrifying world with miserable angry TROLLS like 'CAMILLE'.

Trolls Movie CLIP

What an Author must endure of threats from strangers

What an Author must endure of threats from strangers.

27/04/2021

Greetings, and welcome to today's Author News from ml-stark.com

It's more than difficult to understand what goes through people’s mindset when they write on my Facebook. Especially those I don't know. Also, those who hide behind off what I believe is a fake Facebook account. 

Well, at least this is what I think of this weird Facebook account, alerting "F*cking Hell. Check your messenger." Why is  the profile attacking me so rudely on a peaceful day?

On a lovely Sunday morning, I woke up after a peaceful sleep.

I open my balcony door and listen to the lovely sound of the waves crashing on Bournemouth Beach. Next, I grab my fresh brewed coffee from the kitchen. Afterwards I go back to the balcony, mostly to enjoy the sun and the view of the mesmerising ocean in my front yard. 

As usual, I then turn on my phone. First checking emails. Second, the BBC News. Thereafter my Instagram. And finally, my Facebook.

It strikes me! Wow! Sometimes other people can truly pull the teeth out of any normal person. Normally, and what I believe is decent people who respect others, do not do as what I now must endure in my life being an author on a lovely Sunday morning.

Morbid post from 'Burningdesire Failed'

Hatred of other people does not work so well on me. Why not? You see, it's because I can't hate. 

Shockingly, I'm glaring at all these morbid post from 'Burningdesire Failed'. It made me almost choke on my morning coffee. 

Thereafter I immediately ponder off a dangerous malignant narcissist. So what is that? Let me tell you! And please take it seriously; this is a person who is more dangerous than psychopaths or sociopaths.

I my mind this morbid posts from 'Burningdesire Failed' also reminds me of a sadistic person like Pol Pot or Adolf Hitler. In the same way as Ted Bundy, who was fueled by anger and hatred to the entire world. Also, of their hatred of women. 

And now I must endure such anger and hatred from these morbid posts from 'Burningdesire Failed' I don't even know who 'Burningdesire Failed' is!

Poor emotional impulse control.

It reminded me about my ex-boyfriend who was enslaved by his own need to constantly manipulate me. Constantly to hate me behind his devious, yet his stunning brown eyes. I know it too well! Literally every word that came out of his filthy mouth was a lie. 

While some can be "high-functioning" in the sense that he could blend into society, well, he certainly could for a short time. But he was also "low-functioning" because of his extremely poor emotional impulse control. 

They want to control you, and having you deceived and under their control because of lies is dangerous to the person being lied to. That is when narcs become dangerous, they are ruthless and uncaring and use and discard people at will, with no regard to feelings.

I'm used to such people trying to intimidate me. Also, in the same way as these morbid posts from 'Burningdesire Failed' now try to intimidate me. 

I know it too well! You see, it's because my ex-boyfriend couldn't control himself. I was under constant attack by him for the entirety of our relationship.

Regaining knowledge about Psychopaths 

By now I have been regaining a lot of knowledge about psychopaths. That knowledge has empowered me to reinforce my boundaries. Furthermore, it has also prepped me not to react on such stupidness as those threats written in these messages.

Honestly, I truly find them laughable. A psychopathic performance from 'Burningdesire Failed', whom I think of as a dangerous malignant narcissist. What is their goal with this game?

Share it with others

Yet, I must share it with others! 

Especially with other women of whom I'm sure must endure the same as I now must endure from what I think is a malignant narcissist. And worst, it's from a person I don't even know. 

So how does he/she know me?

So why then share it?

I don't know!

I think you should know.

In other words, it's not always a straightforward task to be an author. Or to be a woman the narcissistic psychopath enjoyed controlling. 

Therefore, I think you should know about it. Arguing with a Narcissist is like getting arrested. Everything you say, that can and will use it against you. 

Nor was it easy during the writing process of my books BURNING DESIRE Part 1 and BURNING DESIRE FADES Part 2 - from the Trilogy: The Psychopath and the Girl in Black Prada Shoes. Nor was it easy during the publishing process. 

And I think you should know, it's not a simple task, even after I released the books. So why is it so? In conclusion, the message is quite clear in this article, since they're such mean people out there, writing such mean things.

Also, I think you should know, BURNING DESIRE Part 1 and BURNING DESIRE FADES Part 2 - from the Trilogy: The Psychopath and the Girl in Black Prada Shoes, DID NOT FAIL. It' is actually a massive success both in US, UK and in Australia, because many women and also men can relate to the subject. 

In an article, shemazing.net wrote: M.L. Stark calls out the hallmarks of abuse, citing unequal power balances, unequal monetary situations and low self-esteem as facilitators of abuse and warns against the signs of narcissism. Lack of boundaries, respect and self-control all starts as small issues that gradually grow to encompass the entire relationship, until there seems to be no way out. 

However, I actually get mild amusement from reading the post from 'Burningdesire Failed'. Mostly because the profile behaves like a 3-year-old scorned child. The little man-child never got his lollipop!

To put it in another way:

'Burningdesire Failed' might fool hundreds of people into believing that I'm something which in reality I'm not. However, I can recognise what kind of person 'Burningdesire Failed' is under all that BS.

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

 

LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET!

There is no 'right' time or amount of intimacy to have. 

What if you hardly get any?

Eventually it's only digital stimulation!

Moreover, what if you're not having sex from him for a long time? Also, you probably think there is something wrong. Furthermore, all the side effects begin to appear.

I will whisper you, my secret!

Then the disappointing feeling of only getting digital stimulation from my lover, was massive. At first in my fresh relationship with him I anticipated our intimacy to hypothesise both of us. Mostly to serve as a trigger for sexual desire between us. Maybe he thought that we could just enjoy our life to full satisfaction without ever having sex. Whatsoever, it was not that easy for me.

At that time I didn't know he was a psychopath. By definition, such people doesn't have successful relationships. Besides, I had a great desire for him. But there was an absence of emotional connection and true empathetic feelings from him.

Similar to a lionesses has hunger for meat I wanted him to touch me. To lick me! Also to cup me! Mostly to f*uck me! In addition I wanted it to be as a reward, yet he wasn't capable of trusting me. Mostly it was as I was talking with someone who was part ice, when I spoke about sex. 

He knew I was not satisfied.

Truly, I was hoping it would result of sexual arousal––moreover also of mutual orgasm too. However, for me having a satisfying romantic relationship was important.  

Somehow, I expected it would be for both of our health status and quality of life. Furthermore, the connections between our intimacy, my sexual desire, my lust for him, and the sexual interaction with him, was not what I expected.

He was a pro at seducing and getting me into bed. However, his process was more of a calculated game. Then I finally got rewarded with a digital orgasm. Next I was spinning like a pleased little kitten. Thereafter he turned around and fell a sleep.

Besides, his sexual pretending act happened mostly when he needed something important from me. Because the psychopath is motivated by power and greed––everything is a means to an end.

Whatsoever, I trusted him too much. Therefore, the little kitty gave him what he desired––more money! Yet the sex was not that amazing, also I truly felt I paid Casanova for the dirty service.

The romance was unfulfilling. 

“Ohhh, babes, I’m the best thing that has happened to you,” he said after he once more gave me digital stimulation. "Today you got four of them..."

Geez! What an idiot, went through my mind.

"Glad you noticed, darling." I replied.

“You will never find a man who love you more than I.”

"Hmmm..." Dreaming of my last four orgasm.   

At this point in the relationship, I had to beg him to give me satisfaction. Or I could just choose to use the cold white vibrator. At least something was stiff, and At this point in the relationship, I had to beg him to give me satisfaction.

However, I simply could just choose to use the cold white vibrator. Yeah, it  was actually laying in my drawer. At least something was stiff! Eventually the thing could easily fix the dirty job.

He hated the damn tinkling little device. Therefore, and in the meanwhile it stayed in the drawer next to the bed. Besides, i must confess, it's not the same as having your lover crawling all over you. Exploring you with his hands and his mouth.

“I know you will never leave me. You need me!” He said.

He was so self-centred!

“Baby, your job is to make me happy. If I am happy, I’ll make you happy.” He said early in our relationship.

Not to sound bold; I associate a good relationship with sexuality, assuming fairly naturally that we as a happy couple should have sex more often than what happened.

So how could I make him happy, if he couldn't make me happy with some fantastic and wild sex? It's not of the sex itself. But of the affection that supplements the sexuality between us. Such as more hugging! The touching! Also the kissing, which could contribute distinctively to our relationship. Then it would give more overall well-being and satisfaction. The hugging and kissing disappeared within a short time in the relationship.

Next, it was only holding hands. Mostly, when we were holding hands, was because I always desperately grabbed it whenever I could. Not totally satisfying! But better than nothing! Furthermore it was sending some nice stimulation to my sex-hungered body. Finally it also went down to my pussy. Sometimes I nearly got an orgasm, just by holding his hand. Then I was daydreaming he was f*ucking me right now. But is that enough?

It was though coming from an okay active and satisfying sex life with my ex-husband. However, then unexpectedly ending up never getting any sex! That was weird! Was it the sex itself that made me happy?     

NO!

But the touching. The hugging! Also the kissing, which could lead to sex. That made me happy, even it not always ended in the sack.    

I have often speculated; why did I bother even giving him one more minute of my life?

The illusion was coming down! I started to see how damaging he was to me. So those statements he made was so preposterous in my mind.

It was a big alarm bell I just couldn’t ignore. 

Nor could I ignore that he said: “I am just a better person than you.” 

I never had a problem listening to others telling me he was a narcissist. Next I saw how badly he treated others throughout our time. At first I didn’t see him as a narcissist. I didn’t want to or needed to experience being in love with a narcissist. For the love I held for him, I closed my eyes, not taking the warnings in.

I was a good, faithful, and loyal girlfriend to this man. Quickly he also wanted to marry me. I was his love of his life; he couldn’t be without me. I guess, even I was insecure, I was starting to wake up. Eventually, when I noticed he was about to running me down to the ground emotionally, physically, and financially.

Also, I knew there was evil in the world. Then I saw how much he hurt me deeply. However, I didn’t want to admit it. I just never knew the evil could be disguised as love.

Then the discard phase came!

Shortly after as he said: “All you ever do is wanting something out of me. Like everyone else.”

Dumbfounded I stared at him.

I had at this point loaned him a decent amount of money. Moreover, he never paid me back. He was a maniac! Furthermore, he believed he was the best lover in the world. In addition to that, he therefore believed he didn’t have to pay me back. I felt like I paid him for his unfulfilling sex.

I had moments with felling's of heartbreak.

Sudden betrayals, while experiencing his fake love. Then the lack of empathy and furthermore my deep sadness overwhelmed me. Besides, it changed me forever.

Useless.    

 Digital stimulation.    

 

Fingers playing with the pearl. 

 

I loved his magic fingers. 

 I fell in love with his magical hands.

Then, he used that in a demeaning manner. He even thought he was the best and grandest of them all. 

A tiny fly. 

Little did he apparently know, the heating missile had hard time to handle the act. Flabby dish cloth.

However, he swore up and down, he was the best ever.

“I know how to make any woman get the best pleasure at any time. And best as many as possible!”

Wow! Just wow! 

Fingers in the orange! 

Yeah, I know, it’s sickening but I loved him.

 And I must admit; 

he was good at playing the entire Mozart on the piano. 

         

Yet, I should have run right then, as I was realising, this was the only pleasure I could get.

I spend years of my life giving!

Mostly I was believing he was the one because I gave him everything I had. Then, I was hoping he would one day feel fulfilled. However, I was only receiving a few breadcrumbs of his satisfaction. I was so madly in love with the guy. But deepest in my gut, I wasn’t. I was trauma bonded to him.

Truth is, he was one of, if not THE WORST thing to happen. 

Finally, I had to let go... it was killing me..., literally my health was horrible. It was hard to withdraw from the dangerous drug that he provided. And I mourned the loss of us mostly of what I thought he was.

Speaking from experience; I strongly recommend never go near a narcissist. They will drag you down and destroy you leaving you just and empty shell.

Copyright © 2021 ^. All Rights Reserved ^. M. L. Stark