An evil darkness who managed to deceive himself - Part 2

Behind my boyfriend’s narcissistic behaviour was an evil darkness who managed to deceive even himself. 

Part 2

Greetings, and welcome to my Blog

It was many sick and sad answers of why I was not automatically being able to identify the sinister nature that makes someone like him as a Narcissist. 

In my opinion you’ve to have tried the extreme misfortune of dealing with such a person, before you can understand what you’ve put yourself through. The narcissist I lived with made me look and feel like the crazy one. In the end I began to believe in everything he said was wrong with me, my family, my friends and others.

When I spoke out, no one seriously believed that he was capable of his irrational and evil behaviour. And I mean it! No non-survivor believed me and were able to fathom it could be one-sided- that he was clearly the perpetrator.

He had created his own world of delusional of Grandeur. And yes, he wanted me to believe in everything he said and did. 

During my childhood I was taught to reason with others––to compromise, and to do what was told. Also to trust others, as the other part was always right, even that I didn’t always shared the same viewpoint with them––nor did I with him.

In his opinion everyone was stupid and terrible for not staking a tent in his reality. If I had not been in such a devastated world with such a crackbrain, I would never believe anyone could be so conniving, devious, self-righteous, and just down-right mean as he was to me.

He never cared when I told him to stop swindling and lying to others or to me. 

He could never see it was harmful what he did, as he had no remorse and no conscience. Often he displayed this amazing ‘amnesia’ saying: “What did I do since you ‘turn’ on me?” He didn’t even recall the whole thing: out of sight out of mind. 

Suddenly, he was being nice again and the sky was blue again, therefore, in his mind the slate was clean. There was nothing left to discuss. To him it was all in the past. I was his toy again as he gave me the affection I needed and life was good again, and full of possibilities. He was a killjoy, and I never knew who he was.

 

Turning everyone against you.

I didn't see it, but he turned my family, friends, and others against me, then portraying me as being the ‘big bad wolf’. This just chalked it all up to me being a woman scorned, hating him, ruin his fraudulent business while he told his new supply I was not the person he thought I were. OMG, he told her I broke his heart and crushed him. Also, that I had changed to the worse and lied to him, so how could I treat him that way. On top of that he told her I was crazy and lower than dirt. A cold and frigid old woman. I bet he also told him I was unfaithful, and that's why he didn't want to be with me. Something is not adding up with all his lying sh*t!

To His family he told he did everything to make it work. I was his love of his life. He had begged me to become the woman he met back then. However, then he told them, I was the unstable one, not him. I was never there for him and was cold and distant and believed I had met someone else.

To those friends I had, he told them I was crazy, insanely jealous, manipulative and suffocating him while I was mentally abusing him. He had only horror stories about me and that no-one could ever believe a word of what I said because in his opinion I was such a liar. 

To his many new followers that believed in all his lying stories, he mockingly laughed about me, making me into a joke and told them: I had never meant anything to him and I was just another piece of shit. I was only interested in extreme sex with him and then he told them about crude descriptions about my sex life with my ex-husband. 

However, he continued to hurt me, made up more twisted stories about me, smeared and distorted my character until he thought he had won. That made me angrier than anything else.

The only way I could possibly prove his lies and scams, was with evidence, to show concrete proof. So, before my ‘no contact’ I played the game I was all in for him. Told him I still loved him. I still wanted to support him financial, and that I still wanted to be together with him. 

Gathering evidence requires patience, so I stayed with him longer as I should and under his terms, without him knowing I spend my time in gathering evidence about him. It was a self-harming and destructive time for me, yet it also made me stronger in the end. However, the flying monkey was so slick at hovering under the radar. I knew he wouldn’t just hand things over to what he perceived as his ‘greatest enemy’, pretending he still loved me, because I had something, he wanted from me.

Nevertheless, such venomous people as he is, they always screw up. Eventually he plaid the victim projecting his sick lies on to me. Then he got sloppy, because he thought it was not possible for him to be found guilty in anything. 

I wish I had educated myself on how to spot such demons. 

But how is it possible to educate yourself in protecting yourself from a narcissist, when you never have found yourself in such a horrifying snare?

This was my first time trapped in such a damaging trap. I found out the hard way. He could not change, and even he said he could change, that was a lie too. For that little pleasure I had with him only lead me to a life of hell with the wrong person who never couldn’t tell the truth.

When I finally understood about Narcissistic behaviour, I passed my knowledge on to everyone I knew. To everyone who wanted to listen. And to everyone I became aware of whom were in the same situation where I’ve been.

My mission was to make people alert of these toxic individuals, so that they could run like hell. Honestly, no matter how much compassion you have to the narc, stay away, and let life take care of such mean people. They will only break you mentally. It’s exhausting. And a lot of wasted time living with a selfish manipulating person that turns around and treats you like yesterday’s trash. The mental effort it took to fool myself in to believing this one toxic persons fake love and lies was draining.

 

If someone abuses you, leave and give no more chances. 

It’s not worth the EFFORT!

Copyright © 2021 ^. All Rights Reserved ^. M. L. Stark

An evil darkness who deceived even himself. Part 1

Behind my boyfriend’s narcissistic behavior

was an evil darkness

who deceived even himself.

Greetings, and welcome to my Blog.

What I expected a psychopath would look like! 

I expected I could see the evil darkness that lurked behind a pair of piercing eyes that would dissolve me into nothing but a target. However, there was literally no difference between his eyes and mine. 

No piercing! Nor any special movements. Without doubt, no psychopathic stare, that deceived even himself. Surely no special body language. In conclusion, my boyfriend's eyes were mostly loving. Last, they also had a normal brightness when he glanced at me. Mostly when he was pretending, I was fascinating and sexy. 

In other words, he appeared just as an ordinary person while his narcissistic behavior was manipulating me. Primarily, when he was pretending, he truly loved me.

A person living in grace of God. 

Often, I was told I was an empathic person living in grace of God. I don’t know if this is correct. 

I knew I was a too trusting person believing in all good in everyone. Any barrier I may have built up he would tear down. Not realizing that I truly was a fragile sheep. 

Defenseless against the strong clench and the sharp teeth of the wolf. 

I trusted unconditionally in him 

I was not able in seeing that my narcissistic boyfriend did everything only to please the Devil in him. By that I mean, if I said or did something that he didn’t like, as he perceived any innocent comment I’d made as a full-blown attack to him. 

Next, he would give me the silent treatment.

The devious eyes when I confronted him with his lies or deception I’d uncover. He would, off course and flatly deny everything. Then walk out the door and leave in anger like a little man-child scorned. 

Total lack of respect for personal boundaries and inability to deal with potential confrontation. Yet he loved picking a fight. Especially when he needed money.

When I went into this relationship it was magical.

He totally love-bombed me––I was his soul mate! The fella said he had waited for me his entire life. 

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me," he proudly said... at least until he got me. Next, we moved in together. 

I was so hooked! I had a massive BURNING DESIRE for him. Being blindfolded while I was  floating on a pink cloud of happiness on cloud nine. Therefore, I didn’t see the many red flags, because I was wearing rose-colored glasses. Thus, nothing did look red to me, as he was the man of my dream. 

So, loving! 
So, flattering! 

And so, charming! 

God, I was so much in love that I could fall in love with a goat.

His only goal was to pierce my only layer of defense effortlessly. Then divulge my darkest secrets before I realized what was happening. 

He just wanted to keep me as a 'dirty little secret' behind closed doors. Keeping me away from anyone. All my friends and family. 

Behind his loving façade, I also felt the wrath of the wolf. Mostly when he drained my blood. Then he tore up my flesh. 

I believe he really had a hard time sticking to a plan. And not following through with a plan. So, was he bored? Might be that's the he needed to go from place to place. From plot to plot. Nothing was ever good enough for him. And he never intended to stay with me to begin with. He only needed the resources I could provide for him. Therefore, he was constantly seeking a new thrill.

After our Honeymoon phase had passed, the abuse started slowly. 

It was so subtle that before I realized anything about being abused, my life was thoroughly entangled with his. 

I was cruelly trapped in his mesh, and he brutally began to belittle me, trying to pick any money related fight with me, while making a drama out of thin air. He talked only about himself and his interest, bragging shamelessly about something he did to harm others or how he could harm them if they didn’t do as he wanted.

"I know how to break a persons neck! No one will find  out how they died" he enjoyed to tell me. 

Oh, my goodness, the dude was actually treating my neck! In between the lines; would he harm me?

He came with snide remarks below the belt, when he gaslighted me. The blame shifting, the manipulation and the projection where I often no longer could find within myself the strong, independent woman who fell in love with this guy. 

WAS THIS WARNINGS?

 

RED FLAGS? 

In between his warm and loving behavior, he was cold and non-responsive

He could send agonizing cryptic messages only for me to attempt to decipher the meaning of them. 

I began to dream about leaving him, but I could not even fathom how I would go about doing so. 

Where would I live? 

I was 10.000 kilometers away from home as I had left everything behind only to be with my lover. Leaving isn’t always as easy as people assume and leaving him was my worst struggle. 

He made me feel like the worst human in the world. But in the end, I guess an empath always beats the evil darkness of the Devil’s apathy.

When I finally went ‘no contact’ 

Oh, my goodness, I found it so constructive for myself. My self-esteem returned, and I could see things more clearly for what kind of a person he really had been towards me. 

There were no longer any BURNING DESIRE for him.
Even it took years for The Girl in Black Prada Shoes to get free from the Psychopath. I felt that with my freedom I could live in heaven again. I could see what the universe could offer me again after living through so much ‘hell’. 

I realized how he used to Gaslighting me and had kept me off balance for years by doing and saying things which would induce me to question not only my judgement, but also my perception of reality. 

The BURNING DESIRE FADES

As my ‘no contact’ for certain stood place I could finally get every piece of the puzzle put together, then get it all on a piece of paper. Having it all written down I realized why I at that time couldn’t identify him as the devious narcissist he was. Why had I had not gotten the hell out of that unhealthy relationship much sooner!

It was so many sick and sad answers...  

To be continued...

If someone abuses you, leave and give no more chances. It’s not worth the EFFORT!

Copyright © 2021 ^. All Rights Reserved ^. M. L. Stark

IT'S AS IF IT'S ME WHO HANGS THERE. 

"The Romans crucified me in my past life," he seriously said.

"It’s as if it’s me who hangs there. Immediately I feel it's as the Romans crucified me in the past life," he finishes, eyeing at me as he’s in pain.

However, I can’t forget this ludicrous experience. Furthermore, I find it ridiculous and hypocritical. Then it’s as if he wants me to feel his alleged pain—as if he wants to convince me he is more ‘holy’ than he is. 

Afterwards, this makes me lose the last part of my faith in Christ. 

Moreover, the dude has a severe GOD COMPLEX!!!

Soon pops up a new-fangled idea in his mind. Croatia! I have a major weakness. Shit! I’m too impulsive. The future is now; I muse. 

However, insight and awareness of the future should become an inspiring and innovative force in my life—dramatically expanding my horizons through travel to distant destinations or exotic lands. Eventually, progress in my career depends on my ability to think in brand-new trajectories. Eventually, it may again be the time be for exciting innovative opportunities. Also, I have a great desire to expand my consciousness and furthermore seek more boundaries with him.

However, enjoy the beautiful video. The mesmerising country of Montenegro. "Mountains are calling and..."

Mountains are calling and...

First, we spend one week in Dubrovnik, Croatia, in Southeast Europe. It’s a part of the former Yugoslavia. Stunningly it raises its tall peaks along its borders with Serbia, Bosnia and Herzegovina. Also, with Montenegro and Hungary. Furthermore, it comprise, the most stunning and rugged black mountains terrain in Europe.

We drive from Dubrovnik Airport, hereafter; we arrive at a stunning spot tucked away in beauty, close to the Montenegrin border at the coastline on the waterfront of the Adriatic Sea. The first days we stay in this small mesmerising tiny village, before we're moving on.

THE WEEK IN MONTENEGRO.

Next we had one weeks’ vacation in Montenegro. There we furthermore stayed for a week at a lush small boutique five-star hotel. 

An authentic Mediterranean hideout and the heaven of serenity. Besides, from this place, Tom Cruise also had his gourmet food comprising a seafood feast—delivered from this place to his luxury yacht, Lady S., during his visit to Montenegro. The food is that good.

However, it is a perfect retreat of choice for us. Moreover, it's a true escapism, accentuated with comfort and luxury, intertwining a sense of privacy and friendly, openhearted atmosphere in this family-owned unique site.

Eventually, we stroll along the seafront promenade to Kotor, a fortified town close by. Also, Kotor is characterised by winding streets and squares in the medieval old town. Here we furthermore find The Roman Catholic Cathedral of Saint Tryphon from 1166 in a small square of Kotor old town.

It’s a masterpiece of Romanesque architecture. For example, its slender Corinthian columns alternate with pillars of pink stone to support a series of vaulted roofs. Also in the arches are remains of beautiful Byzantine-style frescoes.

Furthermore, there is a stunning gilded silver bas-relief altar screen they consider it as Kotor’s most valuable treasure.

A PECULIAR RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 

That day, I have a peculiar religious experience with my lover, while walking inside the church. To begin with, mystically and strangely, he stops up. Then I gaze at him in surprise. Eventually I'm wondering what is wrong.

‘What are you doing, darling?’ I ask, then watching him closely.

‘Ohhh...’ He pauses. ‘First, I’m musing about the cross with Jesus.’ He pauses and then brings his right hand up and next nuzzles his chin. To begin with, he tilts his head slightly, observing as if he’s questioning something. Second, he tilts his head to one side. Then next to the other side. Afterwards, he walks closer to the cross to study it. Moreover, he's weirdly staring at Jesus. Last, he's investigating Jesus’s hands and feet.

‘What are you thinking of?’ I thereafter ask, next gawking at him curiously and furthermore ask; ‘Is there anything wrong?’

‘Hmm… that’s weird,’ he immediately says, next pausing before he furthermore adds, ‘Oh ... Right now, I just feel the pain Jesus went through, when the Romans nailed him to the cross.’

‘Huh? Come on. That’s blasphemy! Where has that come from?’ I immediately answer.

‘Yea, moreover, I also sense the pain through my hands and feet right now. I can’t make the pain go away.’ He furthermore ads.

Immediately, I panic. ‘Are you having a heart attack? Besides, why are you hurt?’ At first, I’m sure I didn’t hear him correctly. ‘Is this a joke?’ I secondly ask.

‘No ... No ... It’s as if it’s me who hangs there. As the Romans crucified me in the past life,’ he then finishes, and next eyeing at me as he’s in pain.

‘What? Eyh, doh ... Frankly, Drake,’ I say awed, ‘besides let’s move on!’

However, he keeps gazing at the cross. In the meantime, I continue exploring the church, being fascinated in the many stunning frescos.

Afterwards, I go back to the fake Jesus. Furthermore, to my grand surprise, immediately Drake reaches out to me. ‘Try touching inside my hands,’ he tells me and thereafter asks; ‘Don’t you notice I have got underlying scars inside my palms?’ 

‘Ohhh! What now?’ Then I take his warm hands in mine. Next I'm viewing at his soft hands then palpate his palms. ‘I notice nothing!’ While I furthermore push calmly inside his palms and thereafter on the back of his hand. Then he moans several times.

‘Aw… Aw,’ he in the meantime whines. ‘There, Babe—exactly where you press! It’s where the Romans fastened the spikes into my hand. Can’t you massage it a little? Then the pain will go away?’

Enjoy the beautiful video from the BAY OF KOTOR

Beautiful November in the Bay

PLAYING HIS JESUS CARD!

Undoubtedly, he was playing his Jesus card! Yikes! Next he mimics as he wants to cry. In the meantime I massage his hands lightly with my fingers. Eventually I only wish his illusory pain will disappear—not because I believe a damn bit of his so-called ‘Jesus pain’. However, I enjoy rubbing his lovely warm hands. And meanwhile I also ponder; does he also want me to massage and kiss his feet as well?

Whatsoever, I can’t forget this ludicrous experience. Besides, I also find it ridiculous. Furthermore, hypocritical too. In addition, it’s as if he wants me to feel his alleged pain—as if he also wants to convince me he is more ‘holy’ than he is.

Finally, this makes me lose the last part of my faith in Christ.

PERFECT FOR SERENITY OR ROMANCE

Eventually, on our last day, we drive to Perast, an old town. It's only a few kilometres northwest on the Bay of Kotor, which also is a picturesque gratification for the soul.

However, it’s one of the most out-of-the-world unique countries I ever have seen, with its dramatic natural contrasts and colourful rains. The coast is also bursting with stunning scenery, mirrored in the crystal-clear waters of the Adriatic Sea. Along the stone and pebble coastline, also pops up some stunning picturesque islands in the horizon—eventually perfect for serenity or romance. Besides, it gives you the impression of being at the edge of the world too.

Afterwards, while being in Perast, we then enjoy our coffee break and eventually we have a lovely dinner. Meanwhile, we enjoy our last day while watching the sight of the Islets of St. George and Our Lady of the Rocks. In the meantime, we enjoy the mesmerising flaming Sun sets behind the massive mountains of Montenegro.

Excerpt from: M. L. Stark. “Burning Desire Fades

Enjoy the beautiful video from the mesmerising country of Montenegro droned 2020.

BEAUTIFUL MONTENEGRO